Wednesday, August 17, 2005

So I just noticed...

My recent blog entries this past week are depressing. What's that about? Am I in some kind of rut where my world isn't up to par? Is it because there aren't any projects to focus on such as putting a lawn in? Is it because my friends at work are slowly leaving and changes are beginning to take place and I am just now realizing the reality of how lonely I will be without them? Is it because of all the headaches from bills that seem to be arising? Is it because the boys are starting school? Is it all of these little things put together? Am I on the downside of the rollercoaster?

So I have this really old fortune cookie fortune on my work phone that I've had for about 3 or 4 yrs. I don't know why I kept it, I never keep them. It says in red lettering, "Fate determines many things, no matter how we struggle." It is all bent and folded over on the corners and looks tattered and torn, but I leave it there. Even though I see it everyday, I don't always read it. I need to. And to remind myself about the struggles I've had in the past in my life. So why does life so bad now? Do I just have random cycles where I become little Miss Martyr? What's my problem?

I think it's bigger than my being a martyr. I know what my solution is. I need to excercise, I need to eat better. These things I am not doing would make me feel better not only physically, but emotionally as well. I keep telling myself that when I get my treadmill things will change. But I too often forget that I am not good at disciplining myself most of the time, and then when I remember how bad I am at that, I get into the same old thinking mode for not even trying. I need a little encouragement I guess. For the first two weeks is usually the hardest, but hey, if I can quit smoking a pack a day and it only took the first two weeks to really work through the hardest part of suffering, why can't I do this?

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