Missing loved ones.

So I haven't seen my husband for the last three days. I'm getting so used to having his company with the extra carpooling time, that I'm having withdrawals. He usually is at school on Wednesdays and Fridays anyway, but yesterday he had to work until 9:00 p.m. He says, "At least it's not forever." But then I think about my dad, and now that he's gone, I realize that there is a forever, no matter what people say to try to make me feel better about his dying. So there is a forever at some point and time for everyone, and someday Charlie will be gone too, and my other family. I think to myself, "How does someone prepare for something like that?"

I can't even stand to watch the news any more; a two year old little boy beat up and killed by a grown man, a lady hit on her bike, two teenage students hit while walking to school, and worst of all - a lady hung herself on a tree in the neighborhood which no one noticed thinking she was a Halloween decoration! And all this in one week. So I guess what I'm getting at is, let your loved ones know how much you care for them while they are still around, or not around. Even if it is expressing your weakness of missing them or needing them. Charlie said to me today after I told him I wished he didn't have school tonight, "I know it sounds bad, but I'm happy that you miss me." I guess he makes a good point that even though I was expressing it in a different way, I was still saying I love you.

I wonder if it's bad then if I am not missing my dad as much as I used to? Or am I? I still miss him, I know, but it comes out in different ways than it did before. Before I used to mourn from deep within, sobbing with heart wrenching tears. I still do, but only on occasion. Now when I'm missing him and thinking of him, I put the radio on his favorite AM country station or I'll watch an old TV show like Andy Griffith or something to keep his memory alive with me. I even enjoy watching the Time Life commercials that are on in the middle of the night or Sunday morning advertising the Classic Country collection with clips of Johnny Cash, George Jones, and Loretta Lynne when they were in their prime. Takes me back to some good memories of many Saturdays at home in the backyard with the old radio blasting out the garage from morning until night. Dad was always tinkering around. I still haven't listened to the taping of the funeral and don't know if I ever will, even though I do have a copy. I guess I'm just not ready yet.

Back when I was a single mom, I never thought I would get married again, yet I did, and I did to a wonderful man that knows just as much as good old Dad did about fixing things and making things work. And Charlie was there for me 150% when my Grandma died, then when my Grandpa died 7 months later, and then when Dad died another 7 months after that. How could I have gone through that alone? I feel all of these feelings but what right do I have to feel them? Mom has lost her mother, father, and last her husband all within 2 years time. She is doing well from what I see and I commend her for being so strong and coping with such a great loss even though she doesn't want to. I hope she knows she is loved, and I hope my husband knows he's loved too. I am grateful for them both and all of my family, and I always miss my loved ones when they are not near.