Savannah struggled to go to bed. She has always had separation anxiety and I admit we haven't had a steady nightly routine since the inception of the holidays. As usual I wanted her close to me for as long as possible but this always results in her falling asleep in my bed and then I put my moving her to her own bed thereafter. This is okay on the weekends, and I admit I have allowed it many weekdays. She knows I love this time with her and that I am a sucker for it too. I think she wants so badly to keep just as close to me as I want to be to her but the more we do this night time avoidance of going to bed separately the more she relies on it and it makes it that much harder to get her to bed by herself.
When I tuck her in at night I am usually given the "Just two short books mommy?" question with her angelic face, so prior to this prompting I acted quickly and reminded her that we watched had just watched the full movie of The Wizard of Oz therefore had no time for books but to think of books she'd like us to read tomorrow. She seemed okay with that and then I kissed her nose and said goodnight.
I snuck back in my bedroom to finish reading before going to bed myself when no sooner than I got situated, I heard two little feet sneak up toward my bedroom door and expecting her to come into my room, instead my light was switched off through the crack of the door. Shortly after that I hear, "Goodnight, I love you." I smiled about this, but proceeded to turn the light back on while explaining to her that she is just a little girl and needed to get to bed as soon as possible cause she isn't going to be able to sleep in in the morning. She started to get upset and tried to make me a "deal" where she said that she would go to sleep in her room just as soon as I go to sleep too. "Deal?" she said. It was so cute, and hard to resist but of course I had to decline and be a little stern reminding her she needed to get to sleep and that I loved her. She then stated that she didn't want to respond back and you could tell by her voice that she was heartbroken. It was sad and almost made me give in. I then reminded her that was fine, it was her choice not to respond, but that I did love her and to "sleep tight."
Once I turned the lights out myself and started to get comfortable and knew she was fast asleep is when the worrying started. To alleviate myself, I snuck in her room and gave her a kiss to make a better end of things. But then after getting back in bed, I starting thinking prior to Savannah's dilemma...
Earlier Jake had given me a hug before he went off to bed. I asked myself, "Did I hug him back?" I didn't remember if I did. I did remember telling him after the hug that I loved him and then of course threw in the same sentence, "I hope you got all your homework done." I remembered thinking at the moment just as I had said it that the whole effect of the "I love you" pretty much went out the window. Why didn't I correct my mistake at that point and time then? Why do I do this? And why can't I seem to remember things as well as I used to?
I find that I often do this worrying quite often and it's always just after the kids have fallen asleep. I worry almost incessantly that maybe I forgot to tell them or more importantly show them how much I love them. I am sure it is due to the fact that at night there are no distractions such as in the daytime, but either way I always want to go wake the kids up and make sure to ask them if there was anything I could have done better that day.
And then this morning after the alarm went off, I got out of bed intending on getting ready for work right away, but instead I stumbled in the dark to lay next to my sleeping daughter. I thought that if only for just a moment longer could I snuggle with her before the rude awakening of the start of a work day. Just as soon as I laid down, she instantly hugged me and said, "I love my mommy" it was so wonderful and my heart was then smiling as wide as the world.
I also remembered to call Jake just in time before he left for school. I reminded him to have a good day and that I loved him. I am glad he has a cell phone for very his reason and if he ever reads this blog entry he'll know why I have called him in the middle of the night.
I love my kids with all my heart. And here I am trying to transition again into yet another Monday wondering if some of my Monday workday blues may be due to having to be separated from their love. Maybe it's me with the separation anxiety, not Savannah. Is it just me or a mom thing?
2 comments:
Such a nice mommy! Your kids are very lucky. I wish I had had a computer when my kids were growing up; then maybe I would have captured so much more of our daily lives. It all goes so fast that they are all grown before you know it. My little Tammy is now a mother herself. Life is passing me by!!
I think as mommies, we are always going to be worrying about something! You're doing the very best for your children!
I thought of you during our family time last night and wanted to share this with you.
My family received a really neat book for Christmas from some friends at church. It's called "Step Into the Bible: 100 Bible Stories for Family Devotions" by Ruth Graham. It has already become a precious family event each night. We had already been reading the Bible out loud before bed, but this really adds to our family time. Thought you might be interested in checking it out.
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