Been a long time...

...since I wrote that is. I haven't really had a lot going on other than changing back to my old job, becoming the new secretary for our church, the treasurer for the Child Evangelism Outreach program, and missing Jake who is now living with his uncle Matt, and while it's gotten better I still dream about those two boys of mine being little. I guess they will always be little in my heart - the way I remember them most. That and they still have a lot of growing up to do.

Savannah is growing like a weed. I think she is getting taller everyday. She and I will be going on field trip to see the dinosaurs next week and she will be graduating preschool at the end of May. She starts kindergarten in fall and we have her Kindergarten day exam at the doctor's next week also. I think she'll be pretty ready by then. We are working on her name and always going to the library to pick more books.

Michael will be out of jail this summer he hopes. I think he has grow a lot the past couple of times I've visited with him. He works in the kitchen for Meals on Wheels, a food program for the elderly. He is now a baker and has gained a lot of his baby fat back. Can't believe he is 20! I can only hope he will continue forward with bein realistic about the world and really think about what he wants to do in life.

We are still not sure if we are moving to Wisconsin in a couple of years. The pay is the same, their is bonus' involved, and there is also no moving costs. Housing out there is cheaper too so there is basically no risk other than to find myself a comparable job. Now that I am happier with my job I don't want to leave as much as I did before. While I still want to pursue the chance to be a stay at home mom, I also realize where I am at working where I have for 9 years. I have always dreamed of retiring with the agency I work for and the people are so nice and so lenient. I have great leave too so I can ask for time off to attend Savannah's things. We'll see though. Things are so wishy washy for now.

Buddy is getting big, he is constantly playing with the little rings that come of a new gallon of milk. He carries them in his mouth wherever he goes. One day I found him running through the house clinging with his jowls the feather duster, as if he just caught the bird himself. He is such a cutie pie!

Muffers has not changed really, neither has Bear - other than he misses Jake. He's still the same dopey loving puppy dog.

Dad

Work has been "uber" busy. I think that is the word anyway. Got it from my sister. She always says silly stuff. But anyway, I have been needing to write so much and well this is what happens when you get involved in too many things at once....Facebook, 2 additional blogs, work, Bible Study, Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class, kids, husband, pets, errands, friends, and to add to that list housework that never ends.

Even though I may not have the time to write, I do have the time to store it all in my head. It's getting it all out the way I want to that is hard. Anyone got some extra RAM for my brain?

Today I am remembering and thinking of many things...vividly in my mind I:

See the cornstalks, beanstalks, and other abundance amount of produce growing in the garden from the kitchen window...

Hear the radio playing old country in the garage...

Listen to the sound of old time TV shows on in the background...

Still wonder what he really thought and felt about things and why he was so private...

Long to hear hear his voice...

Will never go to a rodeo without feeling he is there by my side...

Cannot smell a weed fire without thinking of him...

Cannot take a road trip without thinking of him...

Will always remember the last movie we saw together...

Will always remember the last place he sat at my house...

Will always remember him fixing the fender on my car...

Never forget how he wanted me and the boys to stay at home on Christmas in 2000...

Lunch he and I had at Coachman's...

Him going with me to court for support while my kids were in state custody...

His love for taking pictures...

Remember what his tools look like...

Can still feel our last hug and silent "I love you's" that was said...

Remember how funny it was that he thought Charlie resembled Radar from MASH...

Visiting him at work and him smiling and speaking in Spanish to the other guys about me...

Am reminded of him just from the smell of dirt, fertilizer, and yes, cow manure...

Will never watch American Graffiti the whole way through without crying...

Am so happy that he was able to stop drinking when he did so I could get to know the real him...

- These are just some of the things that I think of differently of now that I didn't before 5 years ago -

My dad was a man of the earth and he made much from the earth but he also had a deep soul with a quiet spirit that he very rarely shared with me. I admit that at times I feel jipped that I only got a glimpse of a relationship that never was fully formed, but I also know that things happen for a reason and that it is only a short time in reality that we are away from each other during the death and separation. The grieving is beneficial in that it gives purpose to draw nearer to God and to your family. Why then do have we dwindle apart as a family? He and my grandparents wouldn't want it this way, would they?

It is hard for me to believe that he would be anywhere but heaven. If you were to judge his life based from the aching in my heart of love I have for him, you would give him the most beautiful crown there is. I miss you dad and I am so happy when you come to see me in my dreams. I love your warm hugs and can't wait to see you again!

Happy Birthday to my boys!

I know they never read this but I am thinking of them. Michael turned 20 a few days ago...Jake is 18 today. Too weird. Happy Birthday guys!