My Dad with me and my brother Marty
Well Dad, it's year two that we're going on without you. It seems that lately all the advertisements on television and radio are focused on guys out there that go by the name "Dad" too. It's unfortunate that I get angry with them and curse at the people around me who talk about their dads so nonchalantly as if it was never thought he would be gone for a minute. I guess it's all part of the grieving process. There are going to be really bad holidays and some not so bad. I'm not alone in this, you know. Mom has also lost her dad, he went before you. So why do my feelings of pain make me so special? Charlie tells me you don't want me to be sad, but you know I miss you and I give it my best not to be. I know you are where you are supposed to be, but sometimes, I just want you to be here -laughing at the things Savannah does as she grows, remembering the things Michael and Jacob did when the were growing, and giving us advice as we do this or do that to the house. I think this year will be worse than the last.
Next weekend when we go to Crystal Hot Springs, it will be the first we'll be back since you've been gone. And even though you never went swimming or came to watch us in the pools, it will still never be the same with out you. We will also be going to that old place you used to take us as kids for our family reunion. Remember Palisades? Most of my adolescent summer memories remain there. That place will always remind me even more of the good memories I have of you. So we go on and make things new with mom and try to go places as often as we can with her. I know it's 100 times harder for her, so I commend her for everything she still must do, to be able to conquer day in and out. I can't even imagine. Doing things we used to do will usually feel quite empty to me, but eventually time will take the newness of the emotion away. It's weird though, I don't want it to fully ever go away, it is all I feel I have left of the closeness to you that I know. They say that's normal in bereavement group, and it makes sense to me too. Afterall, we hold on to what we can and treasure it away in our heart shaped box.
Remembering your last 5 years is the way I remember you the most. You gave me many notions of who you truly are. Wise, careful, sentimental, loving, giving, and creative. I remember the time you offered to accompany me in court while the boys were in foster care and I didn't understand why you wanted to come. I remember you telling me it was to " be supportive." I felt so greatly honored.
You made me feel as if I wasn't really a bad mom for letting myself go and the boys ending up in foster care in the first place. All because you did support me, I felt better about who I was walking in that courtroom door and in front of the judge. You really did and I wish I could have told this to you in person. It may have taken me until I was 28 to really get close to you, but nonetheless I feel like a true daughter blessed with a father's love. You were always there for me. I felt as if I could talk to you about anything and you wouldn't judge me. You listened more than you talked, you worried probably more than I know or took the time to find out. The fact that you kept my schoolwork and cards throughout the years really means a lot to me. That is a true dad. That is my dad and no one else's. I miss you, have a Happy Father's Day where you are...
Love your little girl, Tammy
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