Yesterday I was so distraught and depressed, just simply emotional. I hid it well though. At lunch I went out to my car and cried telling God, "I don't want to work, I want to stay home, I want to be home with my kids. I don't belong here." After that I felt better - I remembered why He put me here in the first place, I remembered to thank Him and that I am not a bad mother for going to work. I remembered that I need to take life one day at a time. So I dried my eyes with the napkins in the car stockpiled from the gas station and fixed my make up in order to present myself. Still feeling melancholy, I went back in the building to face the music. It was like I was a zomby, but at least I wasn't upset any longer.
I wonder if this was cause it was the first day back at work after Christmas and I was feeling a bit blue, like the baby blues I usually have after Christmas is over. Charlie is right though - I am doing better than I have in years past. However this morning I am reflecting back in time and I realize that I have felt this way many Mondays in a row. This has revealed to me that it is not possible that my emotional drama yesterday was all post-Christmas, yes some, but not all. Ever since we started our 4 day work week at work I have noticed Mondays have become a lot harder for me. Yet Tuesday and on seem to be okay, I get back in the groove and feel okay and seem to feel comfortable working again. But Mondays are like going through hell. Literally.
I think having that extra day off, for which I LOVE, has made me become even more torn between working and wanting to be a stay at home mom. In some weird way I get confused on what I am doing and why. I now realize that Monday's are just going to be a struggle every week and know that I need to do something about it. I am not sure how to overcome this or even where to start. The only thing I can think of is to proactively try to think about work on Sunday evening even if I don't want to. I need to think of what I have waiting for me in the morning but in a different way so that I can get it in my head on a positive note - rather than dreading going or not thinking about it at all. I need to find a way to ease my brain into the whole idea. That's how I am though, I take so much time to process my thoughts. Silly isn't it?
3 comments:
I hated Monday's too when I had to work. In fact I hated mornings especially in the winter. It was even worse after Dad died. I just wanted to stay in bed and cover my head. Life is hard sometimes, but I know you can manage. We do what we have to.
I admire you a lot. I don't think I could handle the stress of work and being a mom. And I think crying out to God was the best thing you could do. He wants us to tell him how we feel, to share our hurts and heartache. And I just know he wrapped his loving arms around you and helped get you through the day. Keep relying on him!
I tell you...every time I've read your blog this month I've either cried or felt totally uplifted. I love how God is moving in your life!
I feel your frustrations. It is so hard to be everything to everyone. I think that you are doing just fine! Keep up the wonderful job!!
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