My Kids - Thanksgivng's 14 days of 14 blessings

#12 - I am thankful for my kids. My kids bring joy to my life that no one else can. They have been with me through thick and thin and are always there to listen to me when no one else is. Without my kids I probably wouldn't be where I am today.

About 9 years ago I had become mentally ill. This was due to going through a 2 year long struggle with trying to find my identity without my husband who had left me. I didn't seek counseling as I should have and let myself get involved with drugs as a means to cope and still spent time with my ex that I thought would be beneficial for our relationship.

Well I snapped one day. I am sure this had traumatized my boys to no end with the things I did while in la la land. It hurts my heard to remember those times and to think of what they must have been feeling. I put them through hell. I left Jacob at the park thinking that angels told me to, that he would be better off there, that if I sacrificed him, God would take him and I would be a better mother for it. For Michael I thought I was supposed to take him on a ride with me and that white cars were guiding us on the street who we were supposed to learn from, that the cars contained guardians and messengers. So I hit one of them purposefully thinking that was what I was supposed to do. The older couple that got ouf of the car that I hit looked like guardian angels to me and when they asked if we were alright they were there to help us and to guide us home.

Crazy wasn't I? Psychosis and severe depression was the diagnosis the doctor gave me. I didn't even know what was going on. It was a mess. I am lucky to not have killed my kids or hurt them thank God. After I went to the mental ward at the hospital, I was sane enough to let the authorities know not to let them stay with their dad while I was there as he was a drug dealer. That same day, I hate to think of their poor little hearts getting broken when the Child Services took them away and put in a good foster home.

To this day I ask them how they felt at that time, if they were scared and all, but they weren't. I think what I had done had scared them enough and they probably blocked out a lot of the emotional pain from those two years in general I guess. Poor guys. I wish I could go back in time and had done things right.

Had I not had those two little boys I probably never would have even strived to be a better person. When I got out of the psych ward I wasn't able to get them back in my custody right away, so I took the opportunity to work on getting my head back and my emotions stable so that when they did come back I would be the best mom I'd ever been.

To my surprise it worked better than I had planned. I was doing so well in counseling, taking my medication as I should have, and best of all had self worth and knew who I was and how to get it. I learned that only I was in control of my emotions, that no one else discerned how I would feel. Yes they can affect me and how I feel, but it was up to me to react with my own emotions.

Three months later after visiting with the boys weekly and keeping as much contact with them as I was allowed, I went to court thinking it was just a followup appointment. Little did Iknow I would be awarded them back! Moving from her last case of disgust and cold hearted news to the defendants the judge had transformed into a warm and inviting person and had asked me, "Your have progressed so well and deserve to have these kids back. I have seen so many cases in my career, but what makes you so different?" I couldn't answer other than I loved those kids and wanted to be back with them. My life was not my own without them. Didn't all parents feel that way?

I had Michael at age 17 and Jacob at age 19 and was just a kid myself. I have never known any other way than to take care of these boys the best I knew how and to love them. Had they not been my purpose for getting a stable life back in order I don't know where I would be today.

Savannah has also become a great joy in my life. She lifts my spirit every moment! Of course children at that age are so young and innocent. They are naive and see the world in such a different way. She is the spitting image of me when I was her age and sometimes reminds me to see life through a child's eye again.

Savannah helps me to remember God. I want her to be influenced in ways that I wasn't and to really understand who God is rather than what others tell her. I want her to develop a relationship with Him and to be a well rounded individual who knows her self worth. I hope to accomplish this but without having a strong relationship of my own with God, it will be difficult. I am learning myself still of who I am in His eyes and my purpose here on earth and with that I feel the urge to cut out a lot of bad habits that I recently elaborated to you about. To get closer to God and to be truly happy, I really need to do my best and learn from my convictions.

I am working hard to be a good example to Savannah, for which I appreciate her as my daughter. Without her as this reason I might not have something to strive so hard for at this time in my life. Michael and Jacob are their own person now, age 19 and 17 I think they are some influence from me but are set out to find their own ways with their own decisions and thoughts. I miss having them home like I did a few years ago, they were always so helpful around the house and enjoyed being with me when I needed them to the most.

I am very grateful for my kids, those three little lights that shine in my heart. They provide so much life, laughter, and love to me as only a mother could know.