So it's about time!!!

I know I know, I never write anymore. It's a good time for me to start up again. It is healing and helps me sort out my thoughts. I admit I have been lazy about doing this and have become a negative person. Think about it. When a person blogs they are usually blogging about the good things in life, the things that are positive. When they do this, a person can only tend to become positive them self. Who needs a counselor after all!? I don't. I just need to get my head back into this game.

I will admit to you that I had been feeling depressed. I have been letting myself go with this pattern of negative thinking and allowing myself to dwell on it. Drinking too often hasn't helped in fact I think it was the culprit. So I decided I would come out and admit that I have tendencies toward abuse rather than hide it. I told my mom, I told my husband (for which he already guessed), I told my son, I told my friend, and I decided to tell my doctor. Rather than lie and come across to him like I'm normal, I talked to him about it. He prescribed me some medicine that I had no idea was out there...this stuff helps those who are determined and have the desire to reduce their drinking habits. I have found that it is working. If I know that the beer in my hand will not do anything for me and make me feel worse (almost instantly) then I will have more willpower to not take that first sip at all. In the past I have self-medicated, so therefore I do not trust myself to this day. Makes no matter if my alcoholism began 10 years ago or not, I realize I will always have the tendency but the good thing is to nip it in the bud.

Now that I don't drink every night (granted I'm only referring to 3 or 4 beers a night) I notice that my mood is more stable. I feel more consistent and the guilt of drinking is no longer there as well. I have also done well in the last two months to not sneak smoking. I used to smoke a pack a day about 10 years ago, quit about 7 years ago and picked it back up a year ago. In my head I thought that one wouldn't hurt to smoke per day - well that progressed into a 5 a day habit. The only one that really knew how much I sneaked smoking was my friend and my mom. Others knew I was doing it off and on, but not the extent I was. Time to come clean and tell you all how bad I was being when no one was around- no matter how embarrassed I am by it and what I think you'll think of me. I am glad I no longer stink or depend on something so bad. To do this on an ongoing basis, I realize, will be a lifelong battle - both drinking and smoking. But what would be worse is battling the sickness later on in life that these habits will cause.

I MUST NOT LET IT WIN. I am just a walking self help book, aren't I?

People sometimes drink to hide their pain but for me I think it brings it out. It makes things worse for me by allowing me to forget about my thoughts rather than process them. My family may no longer be close, but they are all doing okay and alive - Michael may not be in the best place but he can only grow from this experience and has the chance to reflect on what he needs to do even if it takes him a few more tries - My job is no longer busy work, I have been given an opportunity to help others and have a real purpose for coming here. In fact I think my new job has really opened my eyes a lot to keeping my story a success just as it was 8 years ago when I started with this department - I think getting this new job happened for a reason - I will elaborate on my experience soon.

So now I choose to start my good habits again. Including blogging. My outlook on life and perspective changes when I do not have the gloominess lingering inside my mind. Telling people that I have these problems helps also, no matter how embarrassed I feel about myself for them, it helps. My husband and I have also started attending church services again. Things are getting better for me emotionally.